A weird day indeed...

I am feeling really weird today. I sort of knew it the whole day, but it wasn't untill I was standing at the check-out counter at the grocery store reaching out for a pack of cigarettes that I fully realized that something is going on. You see, I do not smoke anymore, I've never really decided to completelly quit, but I didn't have any since November and didn't even feel the need to smoke. So, there is something going on.

I used to smoke a lot couple years ago, because it was a rebellion of mine (against a too orderly life I lived then) and because my best friend of that time was a heavy smoker. I quit even before meeting my fiance (who hates it when I smoke), when I stopped seeing that friend (let's call him J).

My relationship to J was very complicated (a mutual thing), because we met only couple weeks before my first wedding and we instantly became best friends. Unfortunatelly, the reason was that he fell in love with me right then and there. Never told me anything, but a woman can tell... at least after some time. By then, my marriage was already falling apart without me really noticing anything (my DH of that time started having an affair with his colleague) and I sort of started having a crush on J. I also never told him anything, because I am and never was the type of person to break marriage wows because of another man, but when exhusband and I agreed on divorce, I did expect that J and I could be together. Boy was I wrong about that...

J is ill, rather seriously, but not necessarilly terminally - at least if he sticks to what the doctors tell him. If he doesn't (and he never did), chances are he will not live to be forty. He has known that ever since he was diagnosed at the age of 17 and it heavily affected him. Knowing what I know now, I think he is afraid to really love anybody, afraid of any responsibilities, and the only reason he fell in love with me was that he knew he couldn't have me. But I didn't see it then and I tried to convince him that he doesn't have to be afraid to just try it... and I did all sorts of really stupid things (because of the way he treated me - one minute telling me he loves me still and the next telling me that it is not worth trying for us to be anything more than friends) and also things I still regret doing and it all ended very badly. I haven't really spoken with J since New Year three years ago (and the things said then still hurt). We have mutual friends, but they take great care of us never being at the same place at the same time - so I didn't even see him for 2 years now.

I haven't even though of J for quite some time yet, lots of things were never resolved, but no need to think about them if they can't be resolved anyway, but then I had this dream last night. In that dream, I was at the airport and I met J, who was leaving for a distant country. We talked, just as we did when we were close, and he told me that he was dying. When we spoke, he decided to stay here and he asked me to be with in the last moments, because he didn't want to die alone.

I woke up from this dream and I felt very tired and bad, but soon forgot about it, only to remember it when I bought the cigarettes, which reminded me of him. I don't really know what to do. Is this dream just a combination of what I read last week, rough family situation and the stress I had been under the last couple weeks? Or is it a sign, is something wrong with him, should I try to get in contact with him? And would he want me to? I do not love him anymore, but I did love him once and I can not completelly erase him from my life and from my memories...

January's update

I survived the Christmas time! Actually it went pretty fine, I tried to start early, exclude last moment's shoppping, so I was even able to do things like bake Christmas bread for every member of the family, go to Christmas mass and enjoy peacefull stitching by TV.

I finished the veggetable sampler (late for Christmas, but it is framed now so I can take it to in-laws-to-be this weekend) and now I am trying to finish the Baby in the Basket (a very late gift, too) and simultaneously working on Guardian angel, which is coming out really nice.

Regarding school stuff, I have been a very lazy bum. Did not do anything so far (other than a little reading) for my economy school. Formal defense of my legal final thesis is scheduled tomorrow and I am very nervous about it. My friend O. (top of my class, graduated in June), who read my thesis and both formal opinions on it from the committee members, says I will do just fine and from all that he knows, given the opinions I received, I will be able to defend it, but that doesn't stop me from having a very bad feeling in my stomach every time I think about it.

Plus work is crazy right now and I could spend here 24/7 just to get all done and on the top of that I am off for a week's skiing vacation this Friday! Now I really don't know how I will manage... wish me luck.